Every morning, Aarti covers her swollen lips with a red lipstick, her wrist marks – with colorful bangles, so that her in-laws and other family members don’t get to know about the things that happen to her in bed, every night…

IWB’s section, “Censored,” features real women narrating real stories. Stories, which are usually censored by the society are given a platform.

There is absolutely no room for judgment or condemnation. Women can open up about their personal issues, reach epiphanies, inspire women all around the world, and seek an expert advice. Read on, and get your dosage of empowerment.

#SheSays

It was an arranged marriage, but, I had fallen in love with Naman (name changed) in our first meeting itself. We had talked for 5 hours like we were best of friends and knew each other from our childhood. He was working with his father in their family business of Alloy Manufacturing in Kanpur and used to come to Agra every two weeks to spend time with me during our courtship period. Though our courtship lasted only for 4 months, I was the happiest soul at the time and everything felt dreamy. We would go on late-night drives and talked about our dreams, desires, wishes, and life together.

Now, when I look back at my courtship period, I realize that each time that we had made out, he seemed very aggressive. He used to playfully tell me, “Oh! There are so many things I wanna do to you. Wait, till the time you are mine and I’ll show you all of it!” As naïve as I was, I took such lines for romance and naughtiness.

He didn’t show me his true colors before our wedding night, a night that I cannot ever forget and not because it was special in a good way. I can never forget our first night together as husband and wife because he showed me what monsters are made of. I remember how impatient he grew when I was taking out those zillion hair pins and safety pins off my hair and lehenga. He shouted at me, “Can you do it any slower?” I was shocked at his tone, but I thought it was the alcohol talking. I was wrong. Every girl is shy on the first night. I was, too. I told him that I would go to the washroom to change. He stopped me midway and clenched my wrist tightly and threw me on the bed. Again, I took it as a playful gesture as I had known his intentions, cruel intentions.

“Oh stop it! Let me change at least,” I said, giggling.

“Shut up, now speak only when I tell you to,” he said, rather angrily.

I thought it was a part of some role-playing game and I decided to go with it, not knowing, what he had in mind. I cannot describe in detail what all happened to me that night, but I can just say that it wasn’t normal. I didn’t see the time when he was done with me (for the night) and had turned over to the other side and slept. But, it took me half an hour to literally crawl from bed to the washroom. Not only my face but my private parts, too, were smeared in blood. I sat there like a lifeless pile of shit for I don’t know how long, contemplating the horrors I underwent and what I had done to deserve it.

I don’t remember how I managed to crawl back to the sofa in the room where I just passed out with dark dreams digging deep into my soul.

I woke up shuddering as I heard his voice, coming from a distance. “Aarti is still sleeping…… No…… will go and…..” and then he was near me, shouting, “Good morning Aarti… Get up… See what’s the time baby….”

I opened my eyes and curled up my legs and wrapped them around my arms. I couldn’t meet his gaze. He sat on the sofa beside me and tried taking my hand as I resisted.

“What happened, Aarti, why are you so scared?”

I stole a side glance and saw him smiling. I couldn’t get myself to utter anything. He took me in his arms as I shuddered again.

“Don’t worry, baby. I know you are in pain. But, it will get better with time, trust me. You’ll learn to bear the pain,” he said and kissed me on the forehead and I was shell-shocked because he knew what he was doing and he wants to continue doing it.

I gathered all my strength to get ready, for my new family who was waiting for me, waiting to welcome the new bride. I looked myself in the mirror and noticed blood clots near my eyes, swelled lips, and teeth marks on my neck. I tried my best to cover up signs of my shattered dreams with makeup.

This had become a routine for me. After dinner, I dreaded to return to my bedroom, my hands would shiver as I finished my work in the kitchen thinking about the torture and pain I would have to go through again. Every day, he had a new game for me, which meant he had a new way of inflicting pain on me. Some days, he would tie my hands and beat me with a stick like literally beat me till I was all black and blue, other times he would blindfold me and gag me till I vomited my guts out. And, one day he said that my “vagina” had gone loose. I knew what was coming, and I pleaded him and begged him to not do this to me. But, then, he had always enjoyed seeing me beg, “it added to the fun,” he always said. That night, he went anal and kept on pounding me from behind even when it had started bleeding.

In just under one month of my marriage, I had lost my appetite, the area under my eyes had gone hollow and dark, and I was always nauseous.

I want to tell someone about my suffering, but I cannot share it with my parents as it will be very embarrassing. My sister is five years younger to me and my closest friend, Sakshi, is getting married in two months. I cannot continue living like this. Some days, I feel like giving up, but, then I tell myself that I’m not a weak person. I will find my way out of this trap.