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Ayushi Agarwal

IWB Blogger

#SheSays: I Lost My Self-Respect Along With My Virginity

  • IWB Post
  •  October 14, 2015

JWB’s latest section, “Censored“, features real women narrating real stories. Stories ,which are usually censored by the society are being given a platform where there is absolutely no room for judgement or condemnation.  This is the story of ‘N’ (Name Changed) where she expresses how sex before marriage changed her. Read on:

“I am 21 years old, about to turn 22, and I’ve been seeing a guy for almost two years now. I’ve dated a couple of boys before him in school, but that was more like puppy love. Those relationships were limited to passing cheesy notes at school and constant texting at home. The physical part was restricted to holding hands and stealing kisses here and there. One of them had the nerve to reach the second base (i.e. Under-the-shirt action), but nothing happened beyond that. The only things screwing me that time were science and maths.

Then came the college years, where I met a guy who I thought was the man of my dreams. Lets call that bastard ‘R’. R was tall with a mane of jet-black hair, chiseled features, goofy grin and a sense of chivalry that makes women go weak in the knees.

We started dating and it was like a love story straight out of those fictional novels; all hearts and flowers. He swept me off my feet, only to make me fall harder than ever. I was not a teenager anymore, but I was still naive. One evening, my control slipped and we ended up having sex in his dorm. He was being all charming and, and well, I’m a big-ol’ sucker for some charm. I handed my virginity over to him on a platinum, diamond studded platter.

I did view sex as sacred, but I never knew how much power it held. After getting de-flowered, something inside me changed. I couldn’t seem to put a finger on it, but I felt different. I felt mature, but vulnerable at the same time. I started feeling closer to R and before I could stop myself, I became severely attached to him. All those fuzzy feelings made my dull-witted brain magnify his presence in my life.

Thoughts about getting hitched and having dark-haired, pooping babies started popping in my head out of no-where. There were times I would feel ashamed of myself, because somehow I had lost the power to walk away from the relationship. Why doesn’t anyone tell you that along with your virginity, you’ll be losing a part of your heart (and your sane self) as well?

There comes a time in every relationship when the rosy colored lens through which you see your partner, get knocked away and you come in contact with the real person hiding behind the mask. I realized how utterly egoistic and immature he was. After every fight, I would always end up calling him (because I was pathetic and had no virtual self-control) and he knew I would. I would end up crying whenever he would say something hurtful, because I could not believe it was the same man who spewed so much unconditional love at one point of time.

Sex made my heart weak and created a need within me which I never knew existed. It ended up robbing me of my self-respect. Relationships are about power and mind games, and from the time we had sex, the ball was in his court.

Sex and virginity are still a big deal in a girl’s life regardless of how expensive her schooling has been, how many books on modernism and western culture she has read, what city she lives in or what kind of people she spends most of her time with. I feel every individual is born with a unique degree of emotional maturity, capacity and sense. Your behavior might get affected by your company, but it cannot change the core of your being.”

Expert Says:

saatishJWB invited a renowned sexologist, Dr. Saatiish Jhuntrraa, from the Vivan Hospital for Sexual Health, Jaipur.

“Sex before marriage is not wrong. However, girls need to understand that every sexual relationship is not bound to culminate into marriage. It is advisable to wait and have sex when the person is emotionally and mentally strong as well as stable. You need to respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that does not make you happy.

Your self-worth is not defined by sex, or any relationship. Your virginity is not who you are. Rather, it’s a part of you that you have a full control over.

It is hard not to keep your self-respect on the back burner, but it is you who comes first before any other individual.”

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