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Vena Ramphal

Celebrity relationship coach based in the UK. In 2017 her award winning TV sex education show put Vena at the forefront of the movement to improve access to information about pleasure, bodies, emotional connection and physical intimacy. She is known for making conversations about sex soulful, intelligent and uplifting. A yogini and classical Indian dancer, Vena brings you light, delight and fun through her weekly column.

#AskVena: I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Boyfriend Anymore Because He Always Seems In A Hurry

  • IWB Post
  •  February 23, 2018

Modern life feels rushed. There’s very little room to stop and smell the roses, to slow down and savour the moment. The trouble is that rushing ruins sensuality. So our sex lives suffer. 

And rushed sex can’t be good sex. I’m not talking about a cheeky afternoon quickie that leaves a smile on your face for the rest of the day. That’s fun! I’m talking about that feeling that you’re not getting enough: enough arousal, enough connection, enough time, enough of your lover, enough intimacy. Just not enough.

Do you ever feel like you just can’t settle into sex? Like it’s trying to scratch an awkward itch? That’s the feeling of not enough. And it’s caused by our rushed pace of living.

So, how to address this? Let’s not pretend that we’re going to slow down the pace of life because we’re not. We can’t. And frankly, would we want to? There are plenty of upsides to the richness and variety of modern life. We’re greedy for life and that’s a good thing.

But I also want you to be greedy for sensuality. And that means slowing down your mind and body before making love. You create a hiatus between the busy pace of your life outside the bedroom and the sexy entangling inside the bedroom.

Here’s you do that in three steps:

  1. A big part of this is to slow down your mind/brain. The main reason that our mind/brain is in such a rush is the way we use technology. Smartphones are brilliant. But we have to use them smartly. That means creating a gap between screen time and sex time. So, no phones in the bedroom! Switch it off or put it on silent so that the ringtones don’t distract you and leave it in a different room. Leave it out of sight so that it’s out of mind. Now your mind can slow down into sensuality. And there’s no danger of being distracted by a flashing screen or pinging tone.
  1. Take a shower to wash the rush of the day off your skin. Relish the feel of water on your skin. Let the element of water bring your body into the present moment. The element of water doesn’t only cleanse physically, but psychologically, too. The body-mind feels released and easy. What a great way to feel before sex!
  1. Take off your clothes, or at least some of them, and sit opposite each other. Spend a couple of minutes simply looking into each other’s eyes. This will bring your physical and psychological rhythms into sync with each other.

Now you’re ready to dance a satisfying dance of sex. Worlds apart from that awkward itch!


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