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Vena Ramphal

Celebrity relationship coach based in the UK. In 2017 her award winning TV sex education show put Vena at the forefront of the movement to improve access to information about pleasure, bodies, emotional connection and physical intimacy. She is known for making conversations about sex soulful, intelligent and uplifting. A yogini and classical Indian dancer, Vena brings you light, delight and fun through her weekly column.

#AskVena: How Can I Get My Boyfriend To Experiment and Try Something Wild?

  • IWB Post
  •  September 17, 2018

Here’s a question I received recently: We have been in a relationship for two years now. How can get my not-so-experimental boyfriend to try something different or even a little wild?

I’m delighted that you want to try something experimental and even a little wild! It’s a great sign for the health of your relationship because a little masala will energise all aspects of your coupledom – from the practical to the emotional and the spiritual. I hope your boyfriend realises how lucky he is!

To make this work you’ll need to get the balance between respecting his boundaries and inviting him to try something new. Inviting him to play with a sex toy is different from cajoling or persuading him to do so. An invitation leaves the choice completely up to him. It’s about your tone and the way you approach the conversation.

Let’s look at some specifics. Like everyone else, he has a comfort zone in sex. It’s best to start by slightly expanding that comfort zone, rather than suggesting that he leap way outside it (and into a harness!). A new sex position is always a good place to start. It’s experimental to him, but it won’t freak him out.

You can also play with lighting in the room. Light some candles or use some coloured lamps. This is a brilliant way to change the ambience of sex without asking him to do anything different. Discuss it with him before and after. Ask him how he felt with the different lighting. Let him know how it changed your experience. You’ll open up the discussion and this will help him to think about sex in a different way. From here, it’s easier to ask, ‘What else can we try that is different? How else would you like to experiment?’

If you want to bring in new sensations start with a blindfold. Use silk cloth. You can wear the blindfold first if he doesn’t want to. He can stroke your body and pleasure you slowly with his fingers and mouth. Tell him how it feels and what you want more of. Then invite him to wear the blindfold, and you pleasure him. Keep talking to each other.

To start with, it might feel like work. That’s okay. After a couple of times, you will both get into the swing of it.

Sensuality is something that we can and should cultivate. Being sensual is actually a quality of awareness. It’s subtle. You might not associate meditation with sensuality but in fact, the two are deeply connected. Here is a guided meditation for sensuality.

All you need to do is listen to the words as they wash over your body. If you use this regularly, the sensations during sex can become deeper and more pleasurable. As your awareness deepens, sensations deepen.


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