#SheSays: I’m ashamed Of My Jobless Husband
- IWB Post
- October 17, 2015
The following story had been shared by an anonymous woman with ‘The Times Of India’. We are featuring the same as a part of our latest notoriously contentious campaign ‘Censored’, where we feature stories revolving around taboo subjects, which are normally suppressed by our society. Censored is a platform where women can open up about their personal issues, reach epiphanies, inspire women all around the world, and seek expert advice. Read on, and get your dosage of empowerment.
“I met my husband four years ago when he was a struggling animation artist with his own studio set-up. He told me that he was working on a film for which he had huge plans in the future. As my parents are conventional, they were initially against our relationship as they believed my husband’s field is not something that is ‘secure’. However, I convinced them and we got married.
I discovered during our honeymoon that my husband had taken the whole trip money from his retired father. He told me since he is struggling; major costs of the house are handled by my father-in-law. I started working and we started to manage our costs. It’s been three and a half years and my husband is still struggling with his film. I am still working, and even though my father-in-law doesn’t live with us anymore, he continues to finance our household.
Sometimes my husband manages to get some money through freelance but that is too less and too far apart. I feel bad when he shamelessly accepts money from his father for minor things like petrol. Whenever I try to talk to him about this, my husband gets angry saying I don’t understand the struggle in this field. He is also immature and careless when it comes to doing things like handling bank or tax related things.
We both love each other but because of his work stress, we are unable to do much to express ourselves better. I can’t go to his or my parents with this because they will blame us and on our insistence to get married. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
Answer by Dr Deepak Raheja: “Marriage is a covenant and not a contract and it works the best when you consider it to be a team and yourself as part of that team. Sure, your husband may not be living up to your expectations as of now, but you shouldn’t attach a permanent status to the current life situation and write it off. Maybe, it’s a phase and your husband will grow out of it with time. Moreover, being stressed about it and looking at the situation emotionally is only making you question the entire essence of your marriage and is not allowing you to appreciate the finer aspects of your relationship. You cannot allow finances to dictate your feelings. Instead being calm and patient shall help you think more objectively and help you convert the situation for the better.
At some level you may also need to understand that you cannot change the core of a person and make him think/react and reason the way you do. So, if your husband is not thinking and behaving the way you think is appropriate does not mean that he does not value or respect you. He may just want to follow his heart in choosing what to do in his profession, which is taking more time than usual. Further, you could open the lines of communication and express your feelings to your husband, without accusing him of wrongdoing. Doing so shall not hurt his ego or make him angry and he will be more receptive of your viewpoint.”