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Jayati Godhawat

IWB Blogger

#S(HE) Says: I’ll Be Bullied If I Reveal That I’m A Woman Inside A Man’s Body

  • IWB Post
  •  January 4, 2017

 

JWB’s section, “Censored,” features real women narrating real stories. Stories, which are usually censored by the society are given a platform.

I want you to imagine yourself to be living in a black box. Imagine that this black box is about 5 feet long and enough wide so you can fit inside it.

How would it feel to walk around the streets with this box, trapping your soul? Would you be able to breathe freely? Would you be able to survive for long in the black box? WOULD YOU BE HAPPY?

Well, this is exactly how Transgenders feel. Trapped in a physical body of a man or a woman, they feel their soul doesn’t belong to the same gender.

Alas! Many of them have to live their entire life trapped in a body which is like a suffocating box for them. And, why? Because in the world we live in, we do not give a person the freedom to feel how they want to, instead, we regulate their sexuality and choices in the name of laws and religion.

When we received a message from this transgender woman who identifies with the name Sneha Naidu, we were moved.

for censored

We contacted Sneha to know her story and to extend help to her.

This is HER story:

Born and brought up in Hyderabad, I am a man biologically, but, I never felt like one. Since childhood, I knew that I was different. I used to play with boys but never connected with the conversations they had amongst each other. But, I never let out my feelings to anyone as I was scared that they’ll shame and bully me. At home too, I kept to myself as my parents were never willing to understand my inner turmoil. I became a recluse.

I found solace in writing stories or watching TV. Once I saw a show where men were dressed as women, and I instantly connected to it. I thought I wanted to be a girl too. Whenever I was alone at home, I would get dressed in my mother’s sarees or sister’s dresses. It felt comfortable. It felt right. I knew that I had a soul of a woman.

However, on the surface, I kept denying my real identity even to myself. After my graduation, I went to Delhi for my coaching. I made many friends there and for the first time, I felt that I could open up to someone about my feelings. However, when I tried explaining it to one of my best friends then, she told me to focus on getting a job and getting settled. Soon, she distanced herself from me and started ignoring me. I was devastated. I also went to two psychologists in Delhi to seek counseling but they were too narrow-minded and only added to my confusion. I returned to Hyderabad and once more tried to seek help from the psychologists, but all in vain.

Another thing which was irking me was that I wasn’t attracted to the boys. I was attracted to the girls. It made me even more fearful to talk about my feelings to anyone. I started reading about it on the Internet and found out that being a transgender and yet being a lesbian may not be common, but it’s possible.

After returning to Hyderabad, I tried to express myself to my mother. However, she refused to believe it and thought me to be impotent. She told me that if I get a job and marry a girl, all these nonsensical feelings would go away. Even though I am attracted to girls, I can never marry a girl as a man. I want a partner who understands that I am a woman.

Now, I have fully accepted my true self, but I dread to acknowledge it in public. I still live like a man and it’s suffocating to live as a person who I am not. My parents will disown me and the society will shame and bully my family if I go for a sex change surgery. I don’t want to bring shame to my family and want to take care of my parents. But, I cannot live like this anymore. I don’t know what I should do!

Sneha also shared that she rejected an opportunity to go and work in the US as she wants to take care of her aging parents and support them financially.

We hope that you read her story with an open mind. She seeks your suggestion of what she should do to break through her false life and come out of the closet without losing her parents’ support. Address Sneha in your comments.

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